Wavy Gravy.

Risotto – not, contrary to popular belief some boiled rice with a few vegetables chucked in it. It’s best regarded as a sort of semi-solid cereal-based soup. The Italian word is ondine– wave-like. When you shuggle the plate, it should ripple.

But I’m not here to talk about risotto. When you make it with barley it’s called orzalano. And it takes a lot less stirring and watching over to get right. Lovely stuff, barley. It has a great flavour and texture. It’s far too nice to restrict it to Scotch Broth.

Anyway…Barley. It’s dirt cheap. Apparently ‘pot barley’ is meant to be the whole grain and ‘pearl barley’ the polished, but I’ve never noticed a difference. It can be a bit starch and gloopy. I recommend pre-soaking it and rinsing it thoroughly in one of those watchamacallits with the holes, and/or bringing it to the boil in lots of water, then changing the water and boiling again. Then simmer on a low heat until tender but al dente. (40 minutes to an hour – depending on pre-soaking etc. etc.). That’s another advantage over risotto, where you have to add the water to the rice gradually. You can just cook the barley in advance in plenty of water and then drain it.

So – you’ve got yer barley. Now get a big frying pan sort of thing. Sauté some shredded leaks and a couple of cloves of garlic in a little olive oil. Then add plenty of sliced/ chopped mushrooms. Make sure you use the big, flat ones. (Sensible languages use a separate word to distinguish these from button mushrooms). Porcini/ Ceps, dried or fresh, would be even better – only somehow last autumn I never got around to foraging. Then add your barley (you want to keep a decent veg-barley ratio), stir it all up and moisten with sufficient stock (including the porcini-reconstituting water, if applicable.). When it looks suitably ondine, slip in a big knob. Of butter. And a handful or two of grated parmesan. Stir a couple of times.

Serve topped with chopped parsley, a little black pepper and more parmesan.

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There are two more holes in Blackburn, Lancashire today as Jack Straw patronises both his constituents and Condaleeza Rice by showing her the delights of ‘modern, multi-cultural Britain.’ I don’t know whether to admire Straw’s chutzpah or to puzzle over his lack of social skills in inviting a guest to go places where she’s going to get shouted at all the time. I’d hope.

‘Hey, Hey, Condi Rice! Is murdering Iraqis nice?’

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Lynne Truss has made a fortune by pointing out that the meaning of some sentences is dependent on the correct placement of a comma:

'Eats, shoots and leaves.'

Then there's Kingsley Amis' (Amis's? I'm never sure) example of a sentence whose meaning depends on the placement of an apostrophe:

'Those things over there are my husbands'.

Now, for the first time in public, a sentence whose meaning is dependent on capitalisation:

'I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.'

It's pronounced "Keen-wa", apparently

Well...it's been a while.

To make up for it, despite my disparging remarks in the past, here's a recipe involving Quinoa, the high-protein grainy stuff, known to the Incas as "The Food of Hippies"

Superfood Salad

First catch your Quinoa. It can come covered in saponic acid, so first rinse it well in one of those...damn!...things made from metal or plastic mesh...you know the ones...those things that I've got a memory like. (Don't try rinsing in a pan like with rice. Quinoa floats.) Then -

1. spread on a tray in a low oven until dry
2. toast in a saucepan with a little olive oil
3. add double the amount of boiling water to quinoa
4. cover and simmer gently for about 15 minutes, until the shells of the individual grains (the dermis) have burst open
5. agitate with a fork, turn the heat off and leave covered for a little while.
6. uncover and leave to cool.

If pressed for time, omit stages 1 and 2.

Next take either some fresh, podded peas or some sugarsnaps or mangetouts (mangestous?) cut up into small-ish pieces. Slice some radishes. Peel, de-stone and dice an avocado. Combine the lot with enough cooked quinoa to add texture without dominating - you're looking for an effect like Tabbouleh (proper tabbouleh, that is), plus a good quantity fof chopped, fresh mint and (optional) flat-leaf parsley and coriander. Dress with either a little lime juice or a proprietary Caesar's dressing of your choice. Serve in a pile on top of a bed of cos/ romaine type lettuce.

According to the French, lettuce must never be cut with a knife, apparently, only torn.

The italics at the end.

I'm grateful to Psychocandy for informing me of the best chemistry-related pun I've heard in many a year. It's guacamole...geddit?

From the dearly departed Ivor Cutler (15/1/1923 - 3/3/2006)

Thatcher is an eight-letter word.

And finally...

A diversion. If George get's stuck, you can slide him around with the mouse.

Mair just as soon as.